Editorial Note: Just writing this has made me feel so much better. Thank you for reading. I sometimes feel SO much better that I consider not posting. But I know the process is helpful to me and others.
I just read an article about how to heal the fear of abandonment. I wasn’t even paying much attention because today I’m too consumed in my head,.. with the fear of abandonment. My head is spinning with stories that I’ve learned not to necessarily trust but I obviously haven’t figured out a way to completely stop the stories altogether.
I used to take the stories to P and ask for assurance that they were just stories. I don’t think I asked quite that way, but I did ask for assurance. We learned that he can’t say enough to make those stories disappear. So I stopped asking. Or I think I stopped asking, at least when we aren’t together. Today, I’m not asking. Instead I’ll wait until we are together and I can get the affirmation I crave just in the way he looks at me.
I’ve woke up without him 19 mornings in a row. I have two more to go. During those 19 days he’s gone on 2 adventures. He’s never not made contact with me if he was able. That should say a lot. And it does. I remind myself of that when I’m picking apart (in my head) all the things he didn’t do.
Recently I’ve been questioning if he loves me enough. We love differently. Am I going to keep questioning things forever? Would I question him less if he loved more like I love? Is it just because we’ve been apart 19 days? Is he just with me because I do all the work? Is he doing any of the work?! Right now, I don’t trust myself to answer those questions because of where I am in my head and some of those aren’t my questions to answer. Honestly, it’s like I want to see the signs that he’s leaving so I can leave first. How does that make for anyone’s stability?
So what do I do? I know this thing about me so I don’t do anything. I just let the feelings sit there and I again tell myself that he contacted me every day that he could. That he does love me. That he loves our stability. (He’s an expansive.) He’s not looking for new. He sends me goodnight texts because I asked him to, because he knows that I need them. He does the things that I ask for. He just doesn’t love the way I love.
Here is a great example from last night: He ended our unplanned 1 am phone call with me at the 20 minute mark, not because he’d rather play online with his friend (this is the thought I had to battle against) but because he had been playing with his friend when I randomly called and he answered (despite playing with his friend) and that he needed to return to his friend. This is one example of how we think can paint the story in our head.
“Always assume your partner isn’t intending to hurt you.” The fear of abandonment doesn’t agree. I have to battle those thoughts on occassion. I battle those thoughts mainly when we are apart. I might only battle those thoughts when we are apart. I’m going to start paying attention.
We are approaching our 2 year anniversary and I can definitely say my fear of abandonment has gotten better. I worked with my friend Tony a while back and felt much relief. It’s obviously not completely healed. I’m thankful I can recognize the thought patterns. I trust him. What I don’t completely trust is my brain.
A friend sent this video to me. I joked (not really joking), “Are there people that DON’T question their partner’s love all the time? UGH.”