Scarcity and Abundance Around Sex

I’m in a long distance, open relationship. That can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. My blog is probably due for an update anyways, as I’m always evolving and understanding myself, my needs and my desires better.

How I would currently describe my relationship with P: I am in a focused, consensual, non monogamous relationship with P. My focus is on him. I don’t know how to describe it beyond that, honestly.

I’ve recently done some work around abandonment and I’ve let go of a lot of the structure I sought to make me feel more in control. That work has lifted a weight and I’m feeling much better around control and trying to protect our relationship. The only rules to our relationship are to follow our safer sex protocols and to honor our relationship by considering our actions and choices and how they will affect our relationship. Of course, open and honest communication being the foundation.

I often find myself explaining my lifestyle and my relationship to others. Mind you, I can not speak for every consensually nonmonogamous (CNM) person but I can speak of my experience.

I have the option to fuck whomever I want, but let me tell you something, when it’s not taboo or off limits anymore, sex isn’t nearly as big of deal! Read that again. When we are granted our autonomy to follow our desires, some of us aren’t fucking everything that moves.

If you are fucking everything that moves, that’s totally cool too! I’m a little envious. I thought I was going to be this power slut that had a revolving bedroom door. I’m not. Ok, I am compared to my monogamous friends. I can own that. 🙂 But I’m certain it’s not what your fantasies think it is when it comes to people in open relationships.

I was explaining my relationship yesterday, how we are open and long distance. Their response was something like, “Being that far apart, good thing you are nonmonogamous.” I agree. I do. But I don’t seek sex like I seek pizza. I know I’m in the mood for pizza so I decide which kind sounds good. Sex for me, most often, is the way of exploring a connection with another. I do crave connection like pizza at times, but that connection can be met through many different ways. It can be met through vulnerable conversation on a car ride. It can be met through cuddling and non sexual touch and nurturing. It can be a sexual connection. So if the person I’m longing to connect with happens to share sexual energy with me, then cool. But it definitely doesn’t need to be a sex thing. The physical need for orgasm is something I am very capable of taking care of myself. Seeking connection is different. I’m a connection junkie whether I’m in a long distance relationship or not.

Maybe it’s just me? I don’t know. But for me, having the option to explore new people in any and all ways that feel good is SO freeing that I don’t actually guide it towards sex that often. When I was married and trying to be monogamous, every time I made a male friend, I was pretty hetero back then, I thought I wanted it to go to sex and feelings. It always had to be a secret which I think fueled my curiosity in the first place. I later learned that I was seeking affection and connection and I didn’t know know how to get that any other way than through sex, which is why I became a Cuddlist. 🙂

So what does my “open relationship” mean to me? It means I’m open to explore my life and I get to do it with the full knowledge and consent of my supportive partner, P, and so does he.

I’m basically socially monogamous and I like that. I was recently dancing with P at a wedding and I said in his ear, “This. This is something I don’t want to share with anyone else.” That being said, I also like the freedom to live unapologetically open. Who knows what’s coming next. As P and I always say, “Who knows if someone absolutely amazing is going to walk in the door and one of us is going to feel the need to explore that.” That’s why we are open. I don’t want there to ever be a choice between person A and person B. I don’t see why we can’t have both.

I really don’t care how you live your life. Do what works for you, but make it intentional. I do “open” because that’s what I am at my core. I’m fluid and ever changing and I need people surrounding me that are also on a path that isn’t predetermined.

But back to my original thought…. When sex is an option, it’s just not as big of deal. *shrug* I love when I can share that connection with someone but it isn’t a necessity. Sex IS a necessity in my primary relationship, that I know. Otherwise, connection is a necessity in my life, not sex, because sex is not treated as a scarcity in my life.

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