The following is a guest post from my boyfriend, P. As a sex and relationship geek, I was so happy when he shared this with me and that he was a yes to letting me share it here on my blog. So introducing P and his first direct contribution to Sex After Marriage. He makes me so proud. *squee*
I was talking with a friend of mine recently and he wondered if he could ask a “very personal” question. I’m a pretty open book, so I answered “Yes please.”
He asked me “How do you stay hard during sex?”
This told me a lot of things about him. Whether or not he had trouble staying hard during sex was completely irrelevant. The question told me where on his sexual journey he was and gave me an opportunity to share some of the revelations I’ve discovered on my own journey.
I said, “First and foremost, you don’t need to stay hard. Remember that hands and mouths are very fun, and the activities that use them are lovely. Really any way you are spending your time together sexually is amazing. If you do want to help charge yourself sexually, spending good time fantasizing on your own will help you figure out which things work best to rev your engine, and may give you some exciting new sexual experiments and activities to try together. Also, taking extended masturbation breaks, for me, tends to skyrocket my sex drive, especially if it’s for someone or at someone’s order. We have such ready access to a cornucopia of porn that taking a break can help recenter yourself and give your labido a chance to Want and Need again.”
Finally and most importantly, the most important thing you can do is getting to the point in your emotional journey where you begin to value your pleasure equally in sex. When you are beyond feeling the need to perform for your partner (whether it’s the need to not disappoint, to impress, to satisfy, or to whatever), you can focus on feeling Your pleasure without feeling guilty or greedy about it. Remember that orgasms come in many shapes and intensities, that you have sexual orgasms and bodygasms and everythinggasms. Orgasms aren’t the end all be all of sex, nor are they the end of your sexy time together.
Sex is about connection and pleasure.