At the time I’m writing this it’s my 5th day home from my first trip to see my love since he moved to California. That means I have just over 5 weeks until I see him again. I see a pattern of 5s. Wonder what THAT means?! 😉
I could go back over my journaling from the first 5 weeks and re live the stress but I’m not going to. I’m in a really good place and I’m honestly afraid it would pull me back into the feelings I had during that time.
The first 5 weeks after he left were full of fear. That fear didn’t dissipate until we reunited. I was afraid he would forget what we had before he left. To me, it felt like he was disconnected from me. He was dealing with the stress of a new city, new job, needing a new housing situation, and once he got a permanent place to stay – not being able to get his belongings delivered for quite some time. During a time when I needed more from him, he needed less from me. He needed me to take care of myself as he just didn’t have the bandwidth to be my support. I carried a heavy weight of fear during those five weeks. I don’t wear fear well.
The last 2 weeks were the worse. He needed space to deal with the stress. I gave it to him but it was very, very difficult. Thankfully this article was delivered to me via a stranger in a group on Facebook. “For The Men Who Desperately Need Autonomy” talks about a man that, when on a project, needs to be left alone. What worked for me with this article was that it let me know that it wasn’t personal. Add to that, my friend Ruby Ryder and I talked about men she knew that were the same way. When they were on a project, they couldn’t handle the distraction.
Here’s the thing, I love how he is independent and confident and doesn’t seem to ever doubt the security of our relationship. I wish I was the same. I am fairly independent. I try to be confident. But this first span of being so far apart was full of insecurity. It was like our relationship was brand new. We had to hit the “land mines” of needs. For me, I didn’t have the history that things would be ok. I was needing a lot of reassurance and wasn’t really able to get it.
When I walked into his apartment with him, we put down my bags and we just stood there, hugging, for a long time. I was still so full of fear, even there, reunited in his arms. It wasn’t until after what felt like about 10 minutes of hugging, and after we went and got naked and physically reconnected, that I felt that fear release. It wasn’t until I heard the words from him that he had missed me, that he was sorry that it was so hard on me, that he was proud of me for giving him the space he needed to process his stress of his new life – knowing how difficult that was for me, that I knew we were going to be ok.
During that visit we made some plans on how to connect in ways that work for both of us. I left knowing what a reunion would be like for us. I didn’t have the fear that “out of sight, out of mind” would be a thing for him. His love for me hadn’t changed during those difficult 5 weeks. We were ok.
Five days home and I’m ok. I cry because I miss him being next to me, but thankfully I’m not crying because I’m afraid. I’m not afraid of losing our relationship to distance, at least not any time soon. My relationship confidence is high. I feel really good.
My friends have commented about how happy we look in our pictures from our visit. I’ve heard how I am “lighter”, energy wise. It’s because I’m not heavy with fear. The first 5 weeks were hard. If you have tried a LDR, I bet you say the same. Finding the new patterns is the key. We are going to be ok.
One of the things I am most proud of in our relationship is that we both want to improve ourselves together. He inspires me. I inspire him. That desire to improve is only stronger, farther apart. We are working to be better individuals. Ultimately, that will make us better partners to each other and when there are others. He has always helped me grow and I know he credits me with the same.
We are not only surviving the move, we are learning to thrive in it. That’s success.