“I’d follow you anywhere… if it was a different time.”
Remember the relationship with the expiration date? The job search has the potential to take him anywhere in this country and even a few Canadian possibilities. We are getting down the the final weeks. He has the first offer. Decisions are going to start being made and not just about which offer to take.
It wasn’t that long ago that the decision seemed clear. I didn’t want to have extended pain over a long distance relationship. It seems like a no-brainer. I planned that once we knew he wouldn’t be close in proximity we would pull it way back. There was even a time when I was struggling with feeling not important enough or desired enough and I thought, “Well, when he moves it will be done anyway. I’ll just keep working on it until then. Then it will be a good chance to end things.” I mean, the sex was great and we were both growing. I didn’t want to end it until I had to. What I’ve realized… that feeling of things not being quite right… that was him not being at the same place, emotionally, as me.
One day not that long ago, lying in bed enjoying pillow talk, I said something like, “Lately something has changed. I feel like you are emotionally caught up with me.” He agreed. Something had changed. He was finally “all in”. His love changed. There were no reservations. The man that couldn’t find the words to respond to mine was now able to express his love for me. What I had thought before was him looking at me like I was magic was only more so. Everything was richer between us. I fell in love.
His love has helped heal me. One thing I have learned 2 years out from married life is that relationships bring up baggage. You can try to heal a lot of hurts before you start dating again but some things never show themselves until you get in a relationship. And some hurts just can’t be healed without the love of a partner.
This year I’ve worked to put scarcity behind me and I’ve learned to embrace abundance. He was part of that as he helped me put fears behind me.
I trusted him to take me into the scary place and show me that it doesn’t have to be scary. Not only was the place not scary, it was beautiful.
And it’s not that he was this experienced person. He didn’t have much relationship experience. He didn’t have kink experience. He didn’t have non monogamy experience. He just loved me. He listened to my fears. He wiped my tears. He kept me safe, physically and emotionally. That’s where I really fell in love. It was in the healing.
I can love so many people. I do love so many people. But it takes this special safety, where my partner can hold me as I bare my soul, to make me fall in love. I have that with two amazing men and while they are very different, they share one thing: they hold space for me like no men have ever held space for me before.
I was talking to a friend the other day about patterns. That people tend to date the same kind of mistakes, over and over again. I didn’t. After my marriage I took some time to be good being alone before I started dating. Then I spent the next 8 months casually dating before I found anyone I was interested in long term. Now I have two amazing partners. They aren’t perfect. No one is. I’m certainly not. But they both love me in a way that is calm and caring. I can talk to them both about anything. They listen and never get loud or defensive. We talk and share and collaborate on making our relationship the best we can. I don’t have to be anything but my authentic self with either of them. They love the emotional me and all my tears.
A little over a year ago I remember declaring to a friend that I was “ready for a big love”! I got what I wanted. Now to see how the next chapter plays out. I’m not good at waiting. I struggle with patience. I crave a plan. But right now I don’t have one. In the best case scenario, we thrive in a long distance relationship and can continue to grow together. For how long? Grow towards what? I don’t know. But if it weren’t for life circumstances, I would do it. I would follow him, assuming he would want me.