I have a circle. I have an amazingly sexy circle of wonderful friends. I don’t say that to brag as much as to show appreciation. I also say that because I want to explain how the circle works. I feel like new people that come into some communities can get confused. The circle is my family. They are the closest members of my much larger community. You find lots of smaller little communities inside of every larger community. Some will say those are cliques. I think they are just the natural groupings of those that have built deeper relationships. It’s up to you to find which smaller groups you fit into and build those relationships too.
I’ve been in the local kink community for about a year and 8 months. I’ve been in the local polyam community for over a year. I go to a lot of events. I meet a lot of people. I sometimes meet really cool people and we click. That becomes “the circle”. We are all very comfortable with each other. We have a genuine fondness for each other.
The other night I purposely rubbed myself up against the back of a friend as I passed by him. It was consentual. We are regularly touchy with each other. That’s kind of the thing inside “the circle”. We know each other well enough and we have built relationships that include different levels of physical contact and intimacy. We know what we can do and what we can’t. We might even regularly check in with each other to make sure all agreements still stand.
Cue new person. He or she walks into a community of people where many have known each other for a long time. They are often confused by the energy in the room. It’s not that any of these groups are “sex groups”. They aren’t. Let me say that again, none of the groups I run or belong to are “sex groups”. We are sex positive in that we are progressive and find sexuality to be something not to be shamed for. We talk of it openly, often, because many of us identify as sex geeks. Discussing sex isn’t a big deal for sex geeks. It doesn’t have to be a “turn on” and for me, it rarely is.
Understandably, I run into that point of confusion often. I was at a party recently talking about my love of Betty Dodson, bonding with another sex geek. I’m fairly sure the conversation was titillating to the person listening to our conversation. But to us, the two geeks having the conversation, it was just a geeky conversation.
To the guy that witnessed me rub up against my friend, that’s our relationship. That circle is build with time and respect. I’ve created relationships where that kind of touch is acceptable and encouraged. Because I am a touch slut doesn’t mean I’m available to everyone. He didn’t touch me, the on looker, just to be clear. But he did comment.
This applies to all sorts of situations. If I meet you online or at a party or some other event and you hear me talk very openly about sex, it’s because I am a sex geek. If you hear me talk openly about BDSM related activities, it’s not me offering to be your fetish delivery system. (I’ll be writing more about this one soon.) If you see me touch someone or kiss someone, it’s because we have that kind of relationship.
If you want that kind of circle, it takes time. It takes finding the people you click with. It takes treating them as people and friends and not as sexual objects or people who can deliver your fetish to you on a silver platter. Do I like making wishes come true? Absolutely! And I do it whenever I am able for my friends and loves. Anyone else is going to have to pay for it. Did I just say that out loud? lol (My sex worker friends are starting to rub off on me…finally… I’m learning slowly but surely.)