When I Knew I had to be Poly

Life is preparing to change again. The relationship with a sort of expiration date for surely knows he’s going to have to move. For his sake, sooner rather than later is best for him.  We’ve grown incredibly close since deciding to just go for it and enjoy the time we have.  My time with him has enabled me to grow as a partner to him and just as a partner in general.  I’m so thankful we decided to NOT play it safe and avoid attachment.  It will be hard to not have him close.  He’s definitely been my primary partner.

Over the last month or two I’ve been struggling with where I fall in the non monogamy scale.  I don’t believe monogamy is sustainable but the poly lifestyle hasn’t been a comfortable experience.  In a world where I didn’t have these two men in my life, I could see myself more monogamish than poly.  I began to plan how I wanted my next relationship to work, figuring I would be essentially starting over with a blank relationship slate once my primary moves.  I thought I wanted to pursue a monogamish relationship next, believing that I could pull back even farther from my relationship with K, transitioning him more to friend than love.  (Finding connection in a non-sexual romantic relationship is extremely difficult.  I’m sure long distance isn’t going to be easy either.)

But last week that changed. A few things happened. One, I recognized that disconnecting is the way I protect myself from hurt. If I’m not feeling loved or important, I pull back to make sure I don’t get hurt. I start nitpicking the relationship in an effort to justify my detachment.  I recognized that I was doing that in both of my relationships.  What I needed more than anything was just to reconnect with them.

Second, I had a really great weekend, affirming my connections with both of my partners.  Most important for me, as the connection with K was really struggling, was getting back K and my BDSM connection.  Even before we ended our sexual relationship, our primary connection came from our BDSM play.  I had pulled so far back from him that I had zero desire to give myself to him the last time we tried to play.  We were both scared that without BDSM we didn’t have anything left.  That was our intimacy.  This weekend with some reassurance as to where I fit into his life, we were able to rebuild that connection.  Our play felt very much like it used to, when things were right between us.  Our energy was clicking again.  I was his again.

Third, K’s other partner is moving back to this side of the state. My metamour (meaning my partner’s partner) hasn’t lived over here since shortly after her and my partner started dating. While the reality of sharing space with her in his life more directly makes me freak just a little bit, she’s a wonderful woman and I really look forward to having a positive metamour experience with her. I’ve already prepared her that I may need additional support from her as I adjust to this new challenge/gift.

I want to be polyamorous. I want to experience all the benefits of sharing my huge heart with so many people. I also recognize that I will have to push myself to grow.

Both of the men in my life give me such different things and I know I give them both very different things and that their other partners give them very different things.  So while I don’t know that I would pick poly, I have to be poly.  I can’t leave either of them. They enrich my life too much. So for now, I’m still going to identify as poly. I know I have a lot to figure out in love. Thankfully I have an amazing community surrounding me.

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