Why I want to Hear the Unfiltered Truth, Even when it Hurts

After I shared my story of my partner discovering he is on the asexual spectrum, where I mention how it’s hard to hear about him having sex with other people, I had friends ask why I just didn’t ask him not to talk about it with me.  In one conversation it dawned on me why I desire the truth over him protecting me from the truth…because protecting me from the truth encourages lying.

When I was married, I learned that I couldn’t be open and honest with my husband.  He trained me to lie.  If I told him something he didn’t like, I was yelled at or shamed or had some negative feedback.  That response from him didn’t foster any sort of openness from me.  It fostered hiding and lying.

I’ve heard some less-than-sensitive things come out of my partners’ mouths at times.   The kicker?  I didn’t react, or didn’t react in the expected way.  When I tell the stories to my friends, they can’t believe that I didn’t lose my shit over hearing some of these statements.   I won’t repeat them here, but know that there have been some pretty tough words to hear.  When the words were said, I in no way believe my partners were trying to hurt me.  What they were being was open and honest.

So why when they said those things did I refuse to react?  Because I want to encourage open and honest communication.  That means I have to be that safe place, even when the words hurt.  If I were to react negatively, they would eventually learn to not share those thoughts with me.  Their behavior would change.  I would rather them not censor themselves.  I would rather they not learn to lie.




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