Recently I read this post: I’m Dating Someone who will Definitely Leave Me. And it’s Awesome.
I could totally relate. I’m dating a man that knows he’s most likely going to have to move sometime in the next few months.
He asked if I could come over and cuddle. He’d had a hard day and didn’t want to be social yet didn’t want to be alone.
I walked into his apartment. He had been in bed. We didn’t share many words. You could tell he had a lot on his mind. After hugging hello I entered his bedroom and removed my jeans to get comfortable. He crawled in and I crawled in after him. We laid there face to face, arms wrapped around each other. I hugged him tight, not saying a word. I looked at him, just watching him. I didn’t know if he wanted to talk so I didn’t. I let him take the lead. This was his night. This is what he needed. But to be honest, I had wanted an evening like this for a while. We are usually busy with events or limited time and a mutual desire for sexual contact. Tonight was different. Sex was not on the table. We could just “be”.
Eventually conversation started. He shared a realization with me. The company he works for is going through big changes and no matter the outcome, he will most likely be moving in the near future, maybe a few hours away, maybe across the country. Mind you, at this time, we’d been dating and having a great time together but we hadn’t gotten really serious.
I move slowly. I’ve written about it before. I am cautious for a few reasons. One, I don’t want to be stupid and lose myself in someone. Two, I worry about being too much. (I also worry about not being enough.) I have a lot of emotions. I feel deeply. I can tell quickly how I feel about someone. But I try to keep that kind of close to my vest. I’m not good at hiding it but I don’t pour my heart out either. I tend to match my partner. So if he’s not sharing too much, I’m going to try not to either.
“So what do you want to do about us?” I asked. I figure this is where he says, “Let’s just not get too attached. This will be ending and no one wants to get hurt.”
Instead he said something like, “I think we should just enjoy the time we have, keep moving forward.”
We spent the rest of our evening answering the 36 Questions, making it through maybe half of them before we needed food. It was a wonderful evening, one I’ve been wanting. I occasionally crave vulnerable conversation and the entire evening was full of it.
I went home thinking about a few comments he made while answering questions. The thing that stuck out most was that he didn’t see us moving up the relationship escalator, being at different points in our life. We wouldn’t end up living together, as an example. Why was that off the table? I mean, I don’t have a strong urge to live with anyone until my kids are grown. But I won’t rule it out. But why did he? It really bothered me that he didn’t see me as someone he could do that with. That’s the night I realized I wanted him to love me.
Since we didn’t have sex that night, I went back over the next morning before he went off to work. The sex was different that day. I felt we had connected during our vulnerable conversation the night before. It felt different. At some point, I confessed, “There is this meme. It says ‘I just wanted you to fuck me but then I got greedy, I wanted you to love me.’ I want you to love me.”
Since that Friday morning, I’ve loved him at full speed. I just needed permission. I don’t’ know how long we will be local partners. But because we are non monogamous, I think we will attempt to keep that connection. But don’t get me wrong, it will be so hard to not see him, to not have him touch me. To not see him look at me the way he does.
Our relationship as we know it, it has an expiration date. But damn it, I’m going to love him like it doesn’t. Our expiration date gave me permission to put my full self on the table. I had nothing to lose. If I was too much, oh well, he was leaving anyways. But what has happened instead? He has validated my feelings and has made me feel loveable and not too much. Maybe in the very least, this will make it easier to be my full self the next go around. I can love someone the way I want to love them and they won’t run away? Yay! 😉