The Power of Self Talk, Battling Feelings of Jealousy

Driving home last night, I brought up polyamory to my partner that sat in the passenger seat.  He is new to poly.  So I’m always asking how the concept is sitting with him, how he’s feeling about our relationship, etc.  While I only have one additional partner, he’s kind of long distance and non sexual, so we haven’t been confronted by it too much yet.

Last night he let me clear some of the thoughts and fears out of my head.  He’s great that way.  Both of my partners are, actually.  I guess that’s one of the reasons we work.  I like open and honest communication.  Both partners do a great job at making me feel safe enough to say whatever is on my mind.  I try to do the same for them.  I think I do a pretty good job.

So sitting here today, thinking about last night’s conversation I am frustrated with myself.  I overthink everything, especially relationships.  Here are some of the thoughts that I either shared last night or that I’m left thinking about this morning:  How do I want my relationship(s) to look?  Why can’t I embrace non monogamy easier?  Why does that jealous feeling hit me every fucking time I get close to someone and the thought of them seeing other people hits my head/heart?  Why do I desire to keep them to myself?  Will it get easier when I have more than one sexual relationship going?

So much of this stops when I remind myself of abundance.  I live in abundance.  I don’t need to fear scarcity.

This is what I tell myself to calm those thoughts:

  • My partners are not my possession.  They aren’t mine to keep.
  • My relationship with them has nothing to do with my relationship with others or their relationship with others.
  • I have enough love to go around, so do they.
  • My needs will be met.
  • I am enough.  I know they love me.  And if that changes, they are free to go.  
  • I never want to make someone be with me.  So I will let them choose to be with me.  
  • I know I will have other loves in my life and that won’t change my love for this person.  The same can be said for my partner.
  • Think of how great it will be when I DO have other people in my life that give me so much love and support like this partner does.  I will be overflowing with it, even more than I am now.

These thoughts could surely be modified for monogamous relationships that deal with jealousy.  These just happen to be the ones floating around in my head, calming me today.  The words you choose when you talk to yourself matter.  They can either spin you out of control or they can hold you and give you safety.  Choose wisely.  It is your choice.  

On being an over thinker:  That same partner messaged me this morning with some wise words that I asked him to remind me of when I start over thinking, “Just Be.  Don’t worry about all of everything, just be yourself and actively Be.”

Note:  I think monogamy is great for some.  I am pro “intentional monogamy” if that is what you are going to practice.  That means taking the time to discuss monogamy in a relationship and making a decision together, not just assuming because you get into a relationship that it is going to be monogamous without discussing it.  If my current sexual partner wanted to be sexually monogamous, because I don’t have any other sexual partners, I would probably give it a try, with the caveat that we would continue to discuss it on a regular basis.   That isn’t what we have chosen but know that those things are discussed openly.  Communication!  Communication!  Communication!

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