I was at a sex geek meet-up I co-facilitate recently and a friend mentioned her sexual revolution. I’ve been wanting that to be a topic for discussion at our monthly meet-ups but it hasn’t made it’s way to the winning topic slot. (We vote on our topics.)
Then in the shower I was singing along to:
Plus, earlier in the day I was reading The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships and that got me thinking about my own sexual and relationship revolution and where I’m at on my journey. I guess I’m going to take the time to write about it.
I’ve been strolling down this path of self discovery since the end of my marriage in May, 2014. I’ve weaved through times of zero desire for any serious relationships, having sex out of curiosity more than anything else, to finally get to a point where curiosity wasn’t really a thing for me anymore. I’ve been with lovers that I look back now with fond memories and I’ve been with people that I look back and cringe. But I never regret those moments. I used casual sex as a way to develop my pallet. What was I hungry for? What tasted best? How did I want to be treated? What was important in a lover? Once the curiosity faded, casual sex really slowed down.
At this point in my dating life, I still have first date sex, when appropriate and an option. I do. Sex is an important consideration in deciding if I want to continue to see them. But first dates just don’t happen as often. I’ve become a bit more selective. I’ve learned to listen for a my “fuck yes” before the first date. I’ve figured out that is one reason online dating doesn’t work for me. I can’t get a “fuck yes” from a profile or generally from online chatting. I like meeting people organically. Then I can feel the “fuck yes” and pursue a first date.
I saw a post about casual sex recently. The theme in the comments made me think about expectations, unexpressed expectations, and even about change in intention. Casual sex is about intention. But if the intentions of all parties aren’t disclosed and talked about regularly, they became unspoken expectations. This is where people get hurt.
If I go out on a date and it ends in sex, and it is a pleasurable experience for all parties, we have a few options. Maybe we continue to date and get to know each other better. The sex is great. The feelings are building. Or maybe they aren’t. Maybe the feelings are actually fading? Things fizzle out. (In high school my dad used to call me “six weeks” as that was the average length of my relationships.) We could continue to have sex or we could stop seeing each other all together. That just needs to be negotiated. “Hey, I think our bodies work well together, but I’m not interested in dating you. I don’t think we connect that way. Would you still like to continue seeing each other, but with no relationship expectations?” Then YOU get to make a decision. No one is the bad guy. They just stated their intentions. You can say yes or you can say no. Either answer is the right answer. But know that pining for them isn’t going to be the right answer. So if you have feelings for them and they have clearly stated they don’t feel the same way, it’s probably best to end it. It can’t end well if you continue to sleep with them.
There are days when, if you catch me in the right mood, casual sex sounds great! I have a long term partner. He lives far enough away that I don’t see him enough. A casual partner would hit the spot, no pun intended. But then those days pass and I desire a second long term partner more than a casual sex partner. That has a lot to do with if I’m actually interested in someone at the time. 😉
One thing that hasn’t changed for me, over the course of my sexual revolution, is that sex is still either really important or not important at all. It’s important to know which it is for you with each potential partner. Communicate that with your potential partner so they can opt in or opt out, as can you.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very much experimenting is styles of relationships and different ways to engage in sexual experiences. Next stop, what is the swinger world like?
My sexual revolution is something that will last the rest of my sexual life, way longer than this blog will last. Stay tuned.