“What?! Michelle is this independent woman. She swore she didn’t want to be taken care of! Didn’t she?” I’m assuming something similar is going through your head as you read the title of this post.
I was married for 18 years, in that relationship for 21 years. In that relationship I was a stay at home mom. I was “taken care of”. Note that I did a bit of taking care of others. I ran a household. I helped run a business. I played nurse to a child with a chronic illness and homeschooled both of my sons. But I wasn’t independent in any fashion.
In all honesty, I’m still being financially taken care of as I transition to being more independent. I happen to have a great ex husband. He does a lot for us, his first family, and I am very thankful. I wasn’t in any position to stand on my own two feet financially. He valued my contribution to our family for all those years and has honored his commitment to us. He is a good man.
But that kind of “being taken care of” isn’t what I’m talking about today. Today, while driving around town, running errands, I got to thinking about wants vs needs in my relationships. I have a lot of wants and I could make a list. But living in my non-monogamous world, I don’t have to get all those wants met in one place. So while they are important, they aren’t NEEDS.
My need? Like I said, I need to be taken care of. Specifically, I need my heart taken care of. That includes needing to trust like I’ve never trusted before. I need a partner that understands that I’m not as independent as I seem. That I’m not fearless. I have big feelings. I have big fears. I have a huge heart. I need that part of me taken care of. My tears need to be wiped. I need to be held. In the BDSM world, that person would be a daddy. I need a daddy.
Without talking about my current primary relationship in too much detail, I can say that he does a pretty good job at meeting that need, which is why he is so special to me. It’s because of my relationship with him that I’ve seen what I need. In our case, it started with my energy needing his energy, I literally didn’t want to pull away from our first hug. Add a dash of luck (that he stuck around), a ton of trust, loads of honesty, and a shit ton of communication. Top it off with his gentleness (ironic that he’s also a sadist) and I feel taken care of. Can I find that in other partners? I don’t know. I’m not ruling it out. But for now, that’s what makes him my primary/anchor/priority partner.
I don’t know how the world views me, but I hope they see me as flawed, raw, damaged and most important healing. I work really hard to heal and while I suppose I could do it alone, I don’t want to. I like having a partner. I like being taken care of.