Announcement: I’ve been in the kink/bdsm community for one whole year! *cue the band* I have learned so much about kink/bdsm but more importantly I learned so much about myself.
I entered the community to learn what bdsm was (the sex geek in me) but also how to communicate better, as I was told if nothing else, the bdsm community knows how to communicate. I found a community that held ethical non-monogamy as normal and that kinks, no matter what, didn’t need to be a source of shame. I learned to love my body and not be afraid to share it. I learned that all relationships can be negotiated and I learned to advocate for myself. I learned to have intimate friendships and I built my tribe.
A year ago I walked into my first munch somewhat alone. I had friends that wanted to go to meet the “rope people” as they had an interest in bondage. But once we walked into the private room at the restaurant, we were each on our own. I remember sitting next to a young woman who was very excited to show me pictures of needles between her toes. I was taken back. I don’t have a problem with needles. I just couldn’t understand why someone would want to do that. I told the group that I would be heading to Chicago that weekend to attend a Sex Geekdom scavenger hunt at the Field Museum. They requested I report back on the event. Thankfully they made that request, because I am a woman of my word. I didn’t really feel like I belonged but I went back two weeks later just because I said I would. That is when I started to make friends. That is when I decided I wasn’t going to attend Wednesday yoga classes anymore, that I rather attend munches.
I made friends. I started attending events and classes. I watched a lot of “things”. I laugh that only a month later I witnessed a girlfriend at the time get a needle corset done on her chest. I believe it was something like 18 needles put into her skin with ribbon laced between them to look like a corset. Why would she do that? The release of endorphins. A hormone high. It hurts but it does something to your brain. I didn’t understand what that was but I understood that it happens.
It was about 2 months into the scene that I finally decided to dip my toes in. I went to a party and asked “the rope guy” if he would “show me the ropes”. 😉 I wanted to be tied. He asked if I wanted soft and sensual or if I wanted mean and sadistic. I asked if I could have both? He granted me the experience and afterwards I knew I liked the mean and sadistic best. That realization actually surprised me.
I continued to watch at parties. I watched people experience impact play (being hit with whips, paddles, floggers, etc), have fire run over their body, be toyed with electricity, and witnessed power exchange aka dominant and submissive relationships, just to name a quick variety. More importantly, I built relationships in the community.
Eventually I was ready to experience more. I moved from rope to playing with impact and sensations. That eventually led to me asking to have my pain limits pushed. With the help of the first man I met in the community, whom I met before I even entered a munch, I was pushed to tears. More than tears, I was wailing with every hit. I was a puddle of ugly crying. And it felt amazing! Not in a “Wow, that was so pleasurable!” It was amazingly healing. I was letting out so much emotion that I never felt the permission to release. I also felt a sense of pride in how much pain I could take. I was strong.
At that same time, I started dating a sadist, meaning he likes delivering pain, much like the man who gave me my first push. He’s not only a sadist, he’s also extremely loving and protective. He’s safe. He has a natural dominance to him. For the first time, I knew I wanted to submit to a partner. I wanted to submit to him. I trust him. I am his toy. He and I have a closeness I’ve not experienced and I have to give our bdsm style relationship a lot of the credit. It was definitely a bonding agent for me.
We aren’t actually in a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship. But I hope one day it will be. It’s something that isn’t taken lightly in the bdsm world. They generally don’t just happen. “I want a D/s relationship with this man,” are words I never could have envisioned saying a year ago. It took this long to even understand what that type of relationship meant. I sat in a class earlier this year on Master/slave (a form of D/s) style relationships (total power exchange to be more specific) and it was a foreign concept to me. I went to understand it better, but I honestly sat in the class thinking, “This is so not for me.” In contrast, a few weeks ago I attended another Master/slave style class and this time I had tears in my eyes and saw the beauty in it. While they both had very different tones, I get it now.
I have also learned that I can’t just say, “I want a daddy dom…” for example. For me, every relationship has it’s own dynamic. I’m looking for relationships. Maybe I will be a dome (a female dom) in the relationship? Maybe it will not have a bdsm component at all? Maybe they are loverships? Who is to say? Not me. Being polyamorous, I don’t have to have a certain type of relationship. I can have more than one partner. I am allowed the luxury of letting those dynamics sort themselves out. What I know right now is that I’m learning more about myself than I ever have. I’m pushing myself to heal old wounds. I’m proving to myself how strong I really am. And I’m doing a lot of it with a partner that is allowing me to feel safe and supported in my journey.
Bonus Flashback: Watch the video I shot the day after my first munch. It’s funny to see how much I changed and how scared I was.
And a follow up a few months later…