Last week I wrote about “Lovership”, the idea that I connect with some friends in a more intimate way, which for me includes a lot of touching, and how we can appear as lovers, we are so close. The writing of that post took me way too long. Thankfully the time was useful as it took me down a rabbit hole and I came out the other side with a better understanding of what I am looking for in my life, in my dating life and friend life, and where those two intersect.
I’m dating a wonderful man. This is a relationship that has broken a lot of new ground for me. The biggest being that we have a potential D/s (Dominance/submission) relationship. The D/s portion has been a real bonding agent for me, something that scares me a bit as I have formed a very strong connection with him. You know how it goes, “With great power comes great responsibility.” It’s hard to let yourself get so close to someone.
We have an open relationship and I can admit that I don’t always enjoy sharing him, but we both know that is the style of relationship we want. Yes, that is conflicting but it’s true. Again, I want an open relationship but I don’t always enjoy sharing him. The discomfort stems from feeling jealousy for the first time that I can remember. In my marriage, we were together so long before we opened up, jealousy just wasn’t an issue for me. It is simply insecurity. As we practice open communication and as we have history, the jealousy is fading quickly, thankfully. I’ve met other women in his life and I am beginning to feel those feelings of compersion. I care about him so much that I want him happy. Happy doesn’t have to be wrapped up in just me. So I can share and I will. It just isn’t always a comfortable feeling.
But how do I feel about dating in our open relationship? That is another question. I really don’t have the desire to get into any other serious romantic love relationships. I’m not even sure that I want any other BDSM style relationships though I might consider a male submissive if our chemistry was right. I’m not emotionally monogamous, nor am I sexually monogamous. That’s where my post on Loverships comes in. I want more loverships! I desire to cultivate some loverships that have a sexual component as well but note that I also feel completely fulfilled with the ones that don’t. So what I’m trying to describe would be FWB (friends with benefits) but on a much deeper level. It’s love but it’s a different kind of love. How do you do that? It called communicating expectations. I have a potential lovership now that started as an occasional sexual partner. We are both are in relationships with people that make us not really interested in seriously dating other people. We enjoy each other’s company, primarily on a friend level, but we are also really OK with sharing sexual time together. We can talk about our primary relationships with each other and know we are both on the same page as far as expectations. It works because we communicate openly.
Coming to this realization, in how I want to date ethically non-monogamously, has given me this new sense of peace. I’ve wondered where I would fall on the non-monogamous sliding scale. This is at least where I am right now and it feels really right for me. Now for him? He can choose to date how ever he chooses. As long as my needs are getting met and we continue to value each other in a manner that works for both of us, I am good. My relationship with him is my relationship with him. It isn’t all that dependent on his relationships outside of us. I can’t make him prioritize me. But I’m happy that he does. If/when that isn’t the case anymore, our relationship will change and adjust. Nothing is stagnate, we are always growing. I wouldn’t want it any other way.