“Do you still enjoy vanilla sex?” That was the question posed as I chatted up some new friends at a poly party. We had met before and he is a reader of this blog. He knows. Or he at least knows a snippet of my kinky life.
“Do I still enjoy vanilla sex? Of course I do!”
Another time I found myself in bed with a friend and he remarked how he hadn’t known what to expect with me, since I am in the kink community.
This week, my facebook friend Bobbie, over at A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind, posted “You Say ‘Vanilla’ Like it’s a Bad Thing” where she writes about being fairly vanilla in her relationship because she is monogamous and not in the kink community among other things. She’s tired of ‘vanilla’ being a bad thing and wants us to stop ‘vanilla shaming’.
I have vanilla sex. I guess. I don’t know. That’s assuming ‘vanilla’ means normal. What is normal? I hate that word.
According to wiki, ‘vanilla’, or conventional, heterosexual sex refers to intercourse in the missionary position. Really? Does anyone have just missionary positioned sex? (I love missionary, just to be clear. There will be zero missionary position bashing here.) Ok, yes, I’m sure some do. But I highly doubt most sexually active, healthy, heterosexual adults stick to straight missionary.
First, small rant. I have to say that the definition of “sex” shouldn’t just be intercourse. “Sex” should be anything that aims to bring pleasure to one or all parties. That can be oral, fingers, masturbation, etc. Can we stop assuming intercourse is the only real sex?! If you ever hear me say, “I had sex last night!” please do not assume it was intercourse!
Now, back to the topic of ‘vanilla sex’…
I’m in my first sexual relationship with someone whom I also happen to have a BDSM relationship. What does that look like? At this time, it looks like our foreplay is on the kinky side. He’s a sadist. I like to make a sadist happy. I don’t know what else to say. 🙂 But after that, it’s pretty vanilla, or normal, like anyone else having enthusiastic sex with an enthusiastic partner, assuming we can agree that it doesn’t have to be missionary intercourse. LOL
Being non-monogamous doesn’t change the sex. Being kinky doesn’t have to change the sex. (See what I did there? lol) But then, I don’t know what everyone else’s sex looks like. Even I don’t share the details of my sex and I share a lot of information. I’ve been to an orgy. I’ve had threesomes. I’ve seen and done a lot of “stuff”. But I still feel like when it is me and a partner, just the two of us, it is pretty vanilla. So while I might not BE vanilla, I LOVE vanilla, french vanilla…the darker, buttery colored, rich in flavor, creamy vanilla. YUM!!!