He Made Me Cry (The S&M Follow-Up)

*I’m sharing the following with the encouragement of a close friend.  I had prepared this post but wasn’t sure I wanted to share it.  We agreed that with the popularity of 50 Shades, that I could share it.  I’m hoping that at least one person will read it and take something from it.  In my close circle of friends, this isn’t out of the norm behavior.  I know in mainstream America, this is extreme.  So I hope you will read it with an open mind, without judgement, and in the very least appreciate the courage it took for me to share.  Enjoy.

I recently explained my interest in S&M.  Here is the follow up, written the day after…

Last September I met a guy for a drink.  I quickly learned he was in the kink community when he explained to me that he was a sadist who liked to make women cry, just not his wife. His words. I wasn’t familiar with BDSM or the kink community so I’m sure the look on my face must have been priceless. We had a very interesting conversation that night and later became friends on that social media site for kinksters. Later that same month I went to my first munch and well the rest is history.

He and I have stayed in touch since then. He has watched my journey and we regularly joked about how I’ve progressed and acclimated to the kink world. He can say, “I knew her when…”

I’ve been slow and careful in my exploration of kink. I learned a whole new vocabulary and I discovered, with the help of friends, kinks I didn’t know I had. I played carefully with very carefully selected partners. I am regularly tied up in rope at the play room by a sadist, so it includes some pain, and I have had a few experiences in impact (meaning I’ve been flogged, paddled, whipped), but nothing that made me really feel pain. I just got a taste, not much more. Those were all very important steps in my process.

A few weeks ago I saw a friend’s pictures of her cane marks. I remarked that I wanted to try caning (I assume this equates to the old stories of being hit with a switch). There was my friend from before, offering up his services. I wasn’t sure he was serious. Thankfully he was, so we set a date.

Last week I entered his basement play space and was welcomed by a table of implements, ranging from paddles, to floggers, to the cane. He wanted to know what I wanted to try. I wanted to try everything! I had tried some things in previous scenes but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to try them again.

I can’t say how long we worked through his selection but I do know that I had tears starting before he got done with the bare handed spanking before he even got to the tools. As I laid on his bench, face down, ass out, I remembered that first meeting. I remembered my other scenes. I remembered how far I had come. Here I was, at the mercy of the man I met in September who scared me with his love of inflicting pain. I had wanted to know what this felt like and here it was, happening to me. It hurt. Man did it hurt. Before he decided we should stop, every hit made me bawl. I finally asked for a break and that is when he ended it. We never did get to the cane.  (No subspace yet)

Why was I doing this? I obviously quickly knew I wasn’t a masochist. So why did I keep going? I wanted to know what it felt like. I wanted to know real pain. I liked giving up my control to him. I kind of liked crying over something that was actually worth crying over. You see, I am a very emotional person. My friends have all seen me cry, or they will, I’m sure. I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m happy. My emotions always sit very close to the surface. So while I cried last night due to pain, don’t be mistaken. There were also some tears celebrating my life and mourning my past.

It’s impossible to really explain this to my friends outside the kink community. No matter how I try to explain, they just can’t understand and I completely understand being baffled.  Before many months in the community, I wouldn’t have either.

I did share my experience with a few of my closest kinky friends. One said, “Proud of you. For someone who’s not a masochist to submit to that…it takes a lot.” In a lot of life, I’m a wimp. But last night I was strong.

When I posted my story and pics to that kinky social media site, I was greeted with, “I’m so happy for you.”

“Congratulations”

“I wish I was as brave as you.”

It’s a different world, over there.  I have enjoyed trying to explain it to my friends outside the kink world and I have enjoyed getting the affirmations from inside the kink world.

I’m super emotional today. But it’s a thankful emotion. I am thankful that I’m not afraid to conquer my fears and to explore the unknown. I try to honor my curiosities and to push my boundaries. As a reward I have gained amazing life experiences and wonderful friends.

Last night was a full circle moment. I am so thankful that it was the man I had drinks with that gave me that experience. It couldn’t have happened any other way and have been so meaningful in my life.

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