*I’m sharing the following (and it’s follow up) with the encouragement of a close friend. I had prepared this post but wasn’t sure I wanted to share it. We agreed that with the popularity of 50 Shades, that I could share it. I’m hoping that at least one person will read it and take something from it. In my close circle of friends, this isn’t out of the norm behavior. I know in mainstream America, this is extreme. So I hope you will read it with an open mind, without judgement, and in the very least appreciate the courage it took for me to share. Enjoy.
I remember the first time I heard “S&M”. I was watching the movie 9 to 5. I watched that movie probably a hundred times. I never knew what “S&M” stood for. But I remember the boss being tied up in bondage.
Today I want to talk about the S&M of BDSM. That would be sadism and masochism. Also known as, “Do you like to give pain and/or like to receive pain?”
I never know how to write about BDSM. I feel like it can be written about because such a large number of people read the 50 Shades series and/or saw the movie (despite there being so many problems with that book as far as BDSM and relationships, let alone if you thought the writing was awful) so I feel like they have an interest even if just a curiosity. Yet I still struggle. It is hard to find the words. It is hard to know that my words and experience will be accepted.
First, many of the kinks of BDSM include hitting, biting, pinching, slapping, spanking, whipping, cutting, just to name a few. Many times those come with marks. If you think Anastasia in 50 Shades wouldn’t have come out of some of those scenes with bruising, you live in a fairy tale. Honestly, marks in the kink world are worn with a sense of pride.
I recently had a date leave marks on my shoulder. Normally, that wouldn’t have been a big deal. I would have worn them with pride, at least inside the kink community. In the winter the only people who would have seen that much of my skin to be noticeable would have been those at a kink event. Now it’s summer and I found myself going, “Oh no! How do I wear that summer dress with that on my shoulder?!” Henna to the rescue! But I digress…
I’ve explored a bit in pain but I have yet to really go deep into it. I have sampled all sorts of equipment. I have never had a bad experience or experienced anything I wouldn’t do again. And there are certainly items on my list that have yet to be done. Enter an invitation to try caning. I’ve shared my excitement to have a cane used on me with a few friends outside the kink community, including my ex husband, and no one can really understand my excitement. And I get that. But know, I am super excited. Let me share why…
All the experimenting I have done, I’ve never been really pushed. I haven’t had tears. I haven’t had subspace. “Within the context of BDSM, “subspace” is a an altered psychological state that is often entered into by the person bottoming in a scene. It is not easy to characterize, because each person’s reactions to BDSM play can be quite different — and even a single person’s reactions to play can vary from scene to scene.” You can read more about subspace here.
I have a friend that has volunteered, who I trust, and who has the ability to do this in his private home, where I can feel comfortable.