I opened my inbox to this message this week:
“I did it!!! That was fuuuuun lol he was jello. Told him not to fall in love and we had a good laugh. Ty (thank you) for the advice <3”
Yay! I love feedback, especially when I have really, truly helped someone. Earlier in the week I had shared my tips to ass play and prostate massage with a new friend. I anonymously shared this message on Facebook, I was so proud and happy. What I got was a request to share my tips and tricks. So here we go…
1. Ask your male bodied partner if they have an interest in prostate massage or ass play. If not, that is ok, stop there. Your job is done. You could add that if they change their mind, and find themselves curious, to feel free to ask you to help them experiment. Communication is so sexy!
2. I like to do this with my partner on their back because I like to be able to visually witness their reactions. It is important to know they are enjoying themselves. I also happen to enjoy watching them react.
3. Get into a comfortable position. Decide which hand you will use. I like to use my left hand because my right hand is better for stroking the penis. (I am right handed) If you can give the stroking responsibilities to your male bodied partner, that is helpful. Then you could use your dominant hand for the massage. Place yourself so your hand lines up with the anus, so your body will actually be to the side of your partner.
4. Grab some gloves and some lube and apply liberally. Gloves make this a very safe (as far as STI prevention) way to play and clean up is easy. They also protect your partner from your finger nails. I like black nitrile gloves. Gloves also make the lube last longer as your body isn’t sucking up the lube. They also feel amazing!
5. Play, meaning rub and tease, on the outside of the anus so it relaxes a bit and your partner is turned on and begging you to move to the inside. Communicate, communicate, communicate! Ask, “How does this feel? Do you like this?” Keep talking and sharing.
6. With lots of lube and your partners consent, slowly press one finger (pad of your finger facing up) into the sphincter. Your partner needs to be as relaxed as possible or this will be very uncomfortable. If they can’t relax, you should probably stop here for today and try again at another time. Or go back to massaging outside the sphincter.
7. If you were able to get one finger inside the cavity, that is enough. You can go for two, but one works just fine. As your partner is on their back, and the pad of your finger is facing up, run your finger along the top of the rectum until you feel something different. Some say it feels like a walnut. Some say it is a change in texture. Communicate with your partner and they can tell you when you hit it. That would be the prostate.
8. Now that you have found the prostate, experiment with rubbing on that spot. You can try tapping, circles, pushing, all sorts of different methods of contact and different speeds. Watch your partner’s reactions. Encourage them to tell you what they enjoy and what they don’t. Make sure they tell you when to take a break as this can lead to a very fast orgasm, especially if they, or you, are stroking their erection. (In all actuality, a hands free (meaning zero penis stimulation) is possible but not easy.) They will probably want to edge this one out for a while.
9. When full orgasm and ejaculation is desired, note that you will feel the spasm squeeze your finger. When the orgasm has ended, slowly remove your finger. Slowly. Very slowly. Remove your gloves and dispose of properly.
Bonus Note: I always warn (as a joke, kind of) that a good prostate massage can lead to your partner falling in love with you. So be careful with your new super power. 😉
Some male bodied persons will not sustain or get an erection with anal stimulation. That is ok as long as it feels good. “Rubbing a well lubed soft penis while massaging a prostate can still feel fucking awesome and can possibly still lead to an orgasm.” noted a friend of mine.
I really enjoy giving prostate massages! It holds a lot of power. Many male bodied partners have interest and either haven’t had a partner that was willing or they have been afraid to ask. It is really great when they already know they enjoy prostate massages and have had other partners who were happy to share that experience with them.
I have had friends ask how to request ass play from their partner and that one is a little more difficult. If you have a partner that is GGG (Dan Savage coined the abbreviation “GGG.” It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and it means one should strive to be Good in bed, Giving “equal time and equal pleasure” to one’s partner, and Game “for anything—within reason.”) then hopefully it is as simple as bringing it up in conversation. Your partner still may need to come around to the idea. Every great relationship is built on communication. So if you don’t feel like you can ask, you should probably start with working on your relationship’s communication practices.
Sadly some of my heterosexual male bodied partners worry that an interest in ass play will be received as an interest in “gay sex”. Liking ass play doesn’t make you gay. Being attracted to the same sex makes you gay. So go have fun and explore this powerful erogenous zone!