She holds my hand as we watch a movie, and we trace each other’s fingers.
He rests his hand on my shoulder as I drive, making that physical connection from the back seat.
She spends the night and I get up with only 4 hours of sleep so I can make her breakfast before she goes to work because it’s important to me to show her my love.
I think nothing of standing naked in front of him as he helps me pick an outfit for my date that evening.
All of us, we hug a little longer so we can share those extra moments where nothing else matters. The world around us isn’t there and we are just together.
These are my loves. These are some of the people who I call my closest friends. All of these little events of affection happened over this last weekend. We have these moment of intimacy and affection that aren’t always acceptable in the traditional world. These are relationships. I build relationships. That’s what I do. They don’t look conventional as the boundaries get blurred at times. I never want to not have these types of loves in my life. That is one reason I consider myself poly. Poly gives me the freedom to not define my friendships in traditional terms. The monogamous world values friendship too, but there tends to be physical and emotional limits. I need my future loves to accept that my love is ever growing and that having the ability to love an abundance of people makes me a better person to love. This is me. I have love. The more I love, the more love I have to give.
Enter cute boy. He’s from the planet “monogamy” but he thinks I’m worth getting to know. He’s read my blog. He knows what I stand for.
I believe having this blog bites me in the butt at times. I have a lot of first dates and not many second dates and hardly any beyond that. At the same time, it keeps me from getting too involved with people that can’t handle me.
What do I mean when I say, “handle me”? I mean accepting me for who I am. I don’t do anything traditionally, let alone when finding love. As my blog states, I am non traditional in the very conservative midwest. I am an emotional being. I don’t hide my emotions well. I can be easily excited over a potential love interest. I often feel I am too much. I’ve struggled with accepting that I even want a steady relationship, which is probably why I haven’t found myself in one. Before I admitted wanting a relationship, I think I knew it would be hard to find someone who accepted my poly nature, unless I only dated in the poly pool, which is small in this neck of the woods. By dismissing myself as not ready for a relationship, I didn’t have to feel the rejection.
Back to the cute boy. Cute boy happens to also be kind and makes me feel cared for. He, too, seems emotional and wears his excitement on his sleeve. In fact, we had three dates just over the weekend. He’s into me. I’m into him. He’s not intimately familiar with the world of ethical non-monogamy, but he wants to get to know me. He wants to understand. He asks a lot of questions and we run through a lot of hypotheticals. And through all this, I’m just me.
Being just me, that makes me proud. This is personal growth. There have been a few times that I have been excited about a date’s potential and I have immediately told myself, “I could even be monogamous for this one if I needed to be.” Not this time. I know myself. I know who I am. I build relationships…with an “s”. That’s who I am.