Pussy Confidence, Pussy Love

The following story is of a sensitive issue.

To my personal friends and family: If you feel you will never be able to look at me the same by knowing intimate details of how I have felt about myself over the years, please stop reading now.  I never want to make anyone uncomfortable.  This is my authentic story and I am happy to share it.  If one person is inspired, that makes it worth it, being so vulnerable.  So this is your last chance to bail.

*********

I remember the first time a guy went down on me.  I was a sophomore in high school.  Laying on the floor, on my back, legs spread, at his parents’ house, he wanted to perform cunnilingus.  I was so nervous.  I didn’t like myself “down there”.  I had fear that it wasn’t pretty, that it smelled bad and I couldn’t even imagine what it tasted like.  Do you think I got any pleasure out of the event?  No way!  How could I?!  I was in fear of rejection the entire time.  I was a head case.  I had zero pussy confidence.

Where did that come from?  Where did I get that self-talk?  Who told me any of that was true?  I can’t remember anyone actually saying, “Michelle, you have an ugly pussy.”  Or, “Michelle, your vagina smells and tastes bad.”  But it was in my head.  I’m going to go out on a not-so-short limb and say society told me that.

I’m still working my way through Vagina: A New Biography by Naomi Wolf. (I know, I know.  Don’t shame me.  I’m a terribly inconsistent reader.)  This morning I was reading a chapter on the use of words like “cunt” to shut women down and leave them in fear and stress, shutting down their ability to be aroused, unconsciously, as a form of control.   The chapter reminded me of how society tells us that vulvas smell like fish.  Porn tells us that all vulvas should look alike.  One wrong comment can make us feel like our sex organ tastes bad.  It’s all around us, all the time.  Rarely, in mainstream society, do we see the pussy being worshiped.

That unease with my pussy continued into my marriage.  I never had confidence in it.  I never loved my pussy.  I enjoyed oral sex but it was still with a sense of, “He’s a trooper.”  Why would anyone love a pussy, especially mine?

I remember getting requests for “crotch shots” from a friend I used to exchange naughty pictures with.  It was an absolute NO!  I couldn’t do that to him.  I couldn’t look at my own vulva with any sense of pride, even if just for myself.  But share it?  No way!  No matter how much I trusted you, that area of my body was off limits.  The thought of anyone but my husband going down there just was too intimate of an idea, even in just pictures.

Then I found Betty Dodson.  This part of her story started the change in my mindset:

During the next 25 years, my imaginary genital deformity was a serious handicap when I had sex with a partner. Finally at 35, my post marital lover (Grant) asked if he could look at me after I’d had a fabulous orgasm with oralsex. I burst into tears confessing I’d stretched my inner lips from too much childhood masturbation. For a moment he looked at me in disbelief and then dashed off to return moments later with a stack of magazines. He spread several on the bed and began showing me photos of women’s genitals. Back in the sixties “Girlie Magazines” had a wide variety of women’s natural sex organs with real bodies and no photo shop or surgically trimmed inner lips. He explained that when a woman held her outer lips open, it was called “Split Beaver.”

Two years of therapy hadn’t made a dent in my sexual ignorance. However, just fifteen minutes of viewing images of authentic women’s sex organs allowed me to realize I was normal. Discovering the beauty of my vulva dramatically changed my life, especially when it came to being sexually intimate with a partner. 

You can read more of this story here.

Like I said, that story was the start of a life change for me.  After my marriage ended, before I started dating, I had a conversation with a very close male friend of mine.  We were discussing vulva styles, most likely in reference to something from I read from Betty Dodson.  (I had a total girl crush on her and spoke of her work often.)  I shared that I thought I had large lips and that it made me self conscious. He said he actually preferred large inner labia.  Really?!  Was he going to be my Grant?  It didn’t happen right away, but a few weeks or so later, I worked up the nerve to take a picture of my vulva.  I had tried so many times over the years and every time I took a picture I cringed.  This time – I thought it looked pretty good.  It was good enough to share.  I was actually ok with it.  I sent it off to my close friend for his feedback.  I trusted him.  He would be kind.  His response?  “Your labia aren’t that large at all!”  He acted almost disappointed.  WHAT?  They aren’t?!  O-M-G!  My life changed right in that moment.  I sent my picture off to a girlfriend and a guy I had been talking to.  I was proud!  I was finally, after 38 years, proud of my pussy!

Of course I also sent my picture off to that old friend of mine.  He’d been asking for years.  This was his first introduction to Michelle 2.0.  He was shocked at the change.

That day changed my life.  My confidence changed when I started to love my pussy.  I suddenly didn’t carry the shame I had for decades.  I could finally be fully present in partnered-sex.

Last fall I attended Betty Dodson’s Bodysex workshop, which aims to teach body acceptance and her favorite masturbation techniques.  In her workshop 10-12 women get to see each other’s vulvas during Betty’s hands on guided tour of each women’s genitals in front of the group.   I have to admit, I had already done the work.  I had already learned to love my vulva.

I have shared this story many times.  I am surprised at how many men and women are shocked at my previous lack of acceptance of my pussy.  But when you think about it, it is probably pretty common.  It goes along with our lack of acceptance of our entire body.  (Men have these issues too, by the way.)  Life is so much easier, and I feel fully empowered,  because I love my body, my entire body, including my pussy.

 

 

 

  • Share on Tumblr

By

Join Us:

Visit Us On FacebookVisit Us On TwitterVisit Us On Google PlusVisit Us On Youtube

Now Offering Nurturing Touch to West Michigan

Other Ways to Support this Blog:

Visit Us On FacebookVisit Us On TwitterVisit Us On Google PlusVisit Us On Youtube