Styles of Ethical Non-Monogamy

“Yep’ I’m still Hangin’ Around.”

This was a message I received on OK Cupid this morning.  I responded, “And I’m still not buying what you’re selling. :)”

This cutie proposed a situation a while back that wasn’t to my liking.  He asked if I would consider joining what I will call his harem of women.  I know that isn’t my form of polyamory, so I declined.  He pops in once in a while to say hello.  I’ve never met him though I would sit down with him over coffee just to hear what he has to say, the curious girl in me.  (I enjoy seeing how other people think.)

But that leads me to this question:  What is my style of polyamory?

There are as many ways to do monogamy and non-monogamy as there are monogamist and non-monogamists, making it really important to talk about what monogamy and non-monogamy means to you when considering dating someone, which is the “ethical” part.  Reid Mihalko, sex and relationship role model, encourages us to date our own species.  It’s important to determine what your species is.  In my example are you team monogamy or non-monogamy?  In my conversations I then ask things like are you are looking for an open relationship, perhaps where it has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?  Or are you looking to swing?  Or maybe you are looking for more of a polyamorous relationship, which to me means growing relationships with people I really like and may someday love?  And that is just the start of a very important, relationship foundation type discussion.

At this stage, I know I identify as polyamorous.  But feeling the need to answer some of the deeper level questions, on my to-do list is to read More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory.  Watch for a review in the future.




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