**Update added to the end of original post**
The tears, they just don’t want to stop tonight. My emotions are sitting just under the surface of my eye lids it seems. I blink and a few tears roll down my cheeks. I am delicate tonight. The memories of friends, the feeling of being alone and on my own, they creep up and steal any chance of being productive tonight. I can’t seem to do anything but journal and try to move through it.
Most days I wear my independence as a badge of honor. I relish the quiet. There is an ease to life. I can chase my dreams. I am my own best cheerleader. I meet new people. I hear new stories. Life is rich with possibilities. I make new connections, though rarely are those connections the kind that excite my imagination and leave me with day dreams. But life is a giant possibility none the less.
Then there are those very few nights like tonight when I just crave a special friend in bed, next to me. The over heating from another body touching me. The sleepless night because I can’t turn off my brain because there is this beautiful person next to me. The never knowing where to put my inside arm when it’s my turn to be the big spoon.
Tonight I want to reach out and hug every one of my friends. I want to hand out those hugs that linger just a little too long. Tonight I am “touch needy”, a phrase I use a lot.
I’m not always strong. I don’t always want to meet new people. Nights like tonight I just crave familiarity.
Thankfully, in Michelle’s world, I get to have it all, just not tonight.
**Update, the day after**
I woke feeling much better, as I expected. Then I went to breakfast with a friend. I think I needed good conversation more than anything. While I did have time with friends this week, it was a big group and not very intimate. I needed to share feelings and stories and just feel close to another adult. We all probably go through those times when we just need connection. I am lucky to have that available to me. While breakfast was planned ahead of time, the timing ended up perfect. Intimacy isn’t about sex. Sex can be intimate. Kissing can be intimate. Cuddling can be intimate. But so can conversation with a friend you can be vulnerable with.