I don’t know the answer to that question, and honestly, I’m not looking to fall in love. I think it actually scares me to think about. I don’t know if I know what it feels like to even be afraid of it. But I do know that I am afraid it, whatever it is. I should say, I am referring to “romantic love”. I know love. I love my friends. I love really easily. I attach to people really easily. I love to care about people. But this “romantic love” stuff, I just don’t know how I feel about it. Is it really any different than the love I have for my friend with just a side of lust? I don’t know. That is for another post.
Needless to say, I was out to dinner with a friend the other night and he mentioned that he thought the questions I had linked to on my facebook page earlier in the week looked interesting, The 36 questions that can help you fall in love. I hadn’t looked at the questions yet but had posted that I thought they would at the very least be great “get to know you” questions. So we decided that rather than watch a movie, we would go through the questions.
Question #17: What is your most treasured memory?
That is when it stopped. I pulled the plug on the questions. As I thought about my answer the tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to put him through seeing me cry yet. We were fairly new friends and that wasn’t something I wanted to put him through, like it is torture or something. I said we would come back to the questions at a later date. I wanted to be able to talk about it without crying or at the very least, prepare myself to cry in front of him.
This morning I was talking to a very introspective, wise friend and he really held me to the fire on this one. Why don’t I share more of my emotions with people? Why do I feel that I will chase them away? Why not put that out there and see who sticks around? Why am I afraid of my emotions scaring people?
Here is the irony: Question #16: What do you value most in a friendship? I answered, “Vulnerability.” I want vulnerability from my friends but here I just shut down my opportunity to be vulnerable.
My very, very close girlfriends have witnessed my emotions like sadness and joyfulness, which both make me cry. And even one very close male platonic male friend has seen this side of me. My children and ex have seen this side of me, and I guess that is where my fear comes from. My ex was always uncomfortable being with my emotions. Now I automatically apologize to anyone I am with when I start to cry. Maybe I should stop apologizing. I need to quit hiding behind my really strong, independent facade and let more people in and see who stays.